


No, Idiot.

by Dandylions_and_poisonous_frogs



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Gen, Gender-Neutral Main Character (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), No beta we die like lilith, Pining, Pining!mammon, Soft Mammon, mc is an oblivious fuck, oblivious!mc, solomon schemes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:07:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24531283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dandylions_and_poisonous_frogs/pseuds/Dandylions_and_poisonous_frogs
Summary: Mammon doesn't understand how one human can be so painfully stupid.In which Mammon tries to woo his favorite human, the human in question is oblivious to everything, and Solomon schemes in the background and happily watches the chaos that unfolds around them.
Relationships: Main Character/Mammon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Mammon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Reader
Comments: 37
Kudos: 291





	1. Chapter 1

It was common knowledge that Mammon, was in fact, an idiot. 

Whether it was the witches who he owed money to dragging him around to clubs as their personal servant, getting bullied by his brothers for his hare-brained schemes, or Lucifer stringing him up for being a dumbass in general, the Devildom seemed hell-bent on reminding Mammon that his head was only capable of growing and nurturing one brain cell at a time. 

Yes, even if Mammon would never admit it out loud, he knew his place as the fool of the family. It wasn’t a great role, but it was his, and centuries of clownery had molded him perfectly for the part. 

And then he met MC. 

They alone would stand up for him. His brothers would call him an idiot, and in a flash, they would be there in front of Mammon as if protecting _him_ with a “Hey! Mammon is not an idiot!” 

Who did they think they were? He was the second eldest, the ancient avatar of greed, and MC, a mere _human_ was trying to protect _him_? 

At first, Mammon was confused and embarrassed at the human’s insistence on standing up to his brothers on his behalf and their constant stream of praise for him. That confusion quickly turned into appreciation and eventually, Mammon found himself anticipating and longing for MC’s approval in everything. 

It was really only a short matter of time before Mammon found himself head-over-heels for his favorite human. 

Mammon’s crush on the human was pretty obvious to basically everyone around them. Just the presence of MC sent Mammon’s demon heart into overdrive. A simple smile in his direction caused his face to light up like a Christmas tree. And the most damning evidence of all was Mammon throwing a jealous hissy fit whenever one of his brothers strayed too close to MC. 

His brothers all knew about Mammon’s feelings for the human and teased him relentlessly for it. Hell, it seemed even those outside the House of Lamentation were aware, judging by the smirks (Solomon), the snickers (Diavolo and Barbatos) and the muttered prayers for the human’s chastity whenever Mammon clung to her (Simeon). 

Literally _everyone_ could tell. Except of course, MC. 

Mammon was notoriously bad at expressing himself. He relied on MC to be able to read past his denials and general tsundere-ness to praise him or rub his head. He wasn’t capable of asking for a hug from the human, let alone confess his undying love for them. 

Not to mention the crushing fear of MC rejecting his feelings. 

Mammon desperately needed MC to notice his feelings. But that was impossible, since _MC was somehow an even bigger dumbass than him._

See, Mammon knew for a fact that MC wasn’t just ignoring his feelings, they just straight up never noticed he harbored them in the first place. MC was oblivious to anything even bordering on romance. There were several incidents to prove this. 

Incident #1: 

_MC and Mammon were both laying on MC’s bed. They both sat in comfortable silence as Mammon flipped through a fashion magazine and MC tapped away on her D.D.D. Eventually, Mammon found the page he had been looking for. It was a two-page spread of himself, shirtless, pants unbuttoned and pulled up just high enough to cover the important bits, looking seductively into the camera with a smirk on his face._

_It was Mammon’s most scandalous photo to date._

_”O-oi. Human. Look at this.”_

_MC looked up from their phone and saw what Mammon was gesturing to._

_“Oo, lemme see, lemme see!” The human said, practically diving into Mammon and sliding up next to him._

_The human was pressed flush against him, hand holding one side of the magazine. Mammon felt his face heat up and thought his heart was going to give out from how fast it was beating._

_“Mammon you look great!” They said, looking genuinely proud of him._

_Mammon felt almost ashamed of how much his heart swelled with that one compliment. But that wasn’t the exact adjective he really wanted to hear. “Yeah. The Great Mammon always looks great. But I think in this case you mean se-. S-SE.”_

__SEXY. Point out to them how sexy you look, idiot._ _

_“Mammon?”_

_”Sek. S-se-s-se.” _Oh my GOD why can’t you just say it?!_ _

_MC looked a little concerned. “Mammon are you okay?”_

_“SEXY! I look sexy!” Mammon finally spit out. He knew he looked agitated and flushed. Not exactly the cool, suave look he was going for._

_A beat of silence._

_MC giggled. “Sure, Mammon.” They chirped, with that same stupid smile that Mammon would gladly die for on their face._

_Much to Mammon’s despair, they then crawled back to their side of the bed and started nonchalantly playing on their phone as if they hadn’t seen the sexiest picture of Mammon to date._

_They hadn’t been the least flustered at all by Mammon’s sexiness, while Mammon felt like his face was on fire just by showing it to them._

_If you liked someone, you would normally get flustered by something like that right?_

_But MC didn’t care, and just showed the normal level of appreciation they had for all of Mammon’s modeled photos._

__Goddamit,_ Mammon thought. _

__Incident #2_ _

_“I pick truth!”_

_The occupants of the House of Lamentation were all sitting in a circle for a game of Truth or Dare. Asmo had just chosen MC to be his next victim._

_Asmo had an evil look on his face that Mammon didn’t like one bit. “MC, who here do you find the most attractive?”_

_There it was. The question that every brother wanted to know. All seven of them leaned forward, eager to hear the answer. For his part, Mammon tried his best to look uninterested and failed miserably._

_MC didn’t seem to be aware of the suspense hanging in the air. “Hmm… that’s kind of hard to answer.”_

__Please be me, please be me,_ Mammon prayed. _

_And with a smile bright enough to rival the sun, MC successfully depressed every demon in the room. “I think all of you guys are attractive and wonderful in your own ways!”_

__Of course you would answer like that,_ thought Mammon, thoroughly dejected. It did however, bring him a little comfort to know that all of his other brothers were on the same playing field as him. Even if you failed to see him that way, at least you also failed to see any of his brothers that way. _

_“Is that really what you think?” Asked Asmo. “Shouldn’t it be obvious that _I’m_ the most attractive one here?” _

_”Aww, Asmo.” They cooed, rubbing his head, “I know you’re pretty. But everyone is pretty too!”_

_Everyone was too shocked at their obliviousness to say anything for several seconds._

_“Bruh.” Said Levi._

__Incident #3_ _

_Mammon and the human were having one of their signature movie nights in the human’s bed room._

_The movie this time was one Mammon had picked out. It was a romance from the human world about the forbidden love between a demon and a human._

_Now if _that_ wasn’t enough of an obvious enough hint that Mammon was in love with MC, he didn’t know _what_ was. _

_The pair were sitting next to each other, and at Mammon’s insistence, were sharing a blanket (“Oi! I refuse to do more laundry than I have to. So we’re going to be sh-sharing a blanket got it?!”)_

_MC looked pretty invested in the movie. Their face would screw up into a sad frown whenever something bad happened to the lovers, or smile broadly and let out a contented sigh when the lovers overcame a trial._

_Mammon thought they were adorable. Not that he would ever admit it to them._

_Maybe it was the comfort and the security the dark room provided, or maybe it was the courage of the lovers in the movie, but Mammon suddenly found himself confident enough to make a move._

_Heart beating out of his chest, Mammon lifted up an arm and wrapped it around MC._

_Time seemed to slow down as Mammon waited for the human’s reaction._

_The human didn’t react except for slightly leaning into Mammon. They didn’t look at him. Their facial expression didn’t even change._

_It had taken everything in Mammon to initiate this contact. And MC had barely noticed._

_Mammon wanted to scream._

MC was an idiot. There was no doubt about that. 

They remained oblivious to everything Mammon and his brothers sent their way. 

Hell, Satan had literally asked MC on a _date_ and the romantic connotations that word carried seemed to go completely over their heads, as they later cheerfully labeled it as a “Bro hang-out.” 

Even Mammon had to feel bad for him on that one. 

Mammon didn’t know how much longer this could go on. He was literally going to die from internal combustion if MC kept this up. 

And there was always the looming threat of one of his brothers stealing them away. 

Mammon needed them to notice his feelings. 

And he wanted- no _needed_ those feelings returned. 

Mammon made up his mind right then and there. He would woo his human. He would make them fall so in love with him that MC would _have_ to start seeing the signals Mammon was constantly sending out. 

Mammon immediately got to work putting together a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mammon may be a dumbass but so am i. it is scientifically proven we would be gr8 together.
> 
> also, i haven't actually finished the game yet (or gotten belphie out of the attic), so while I think ive read enough spoilers to know what goes on, if there's any inconsistencies with plot events i apologize.


	2. Chapter 2

_Vrrrr…Vrrrr…_

Solomon groaned and sleepily sat up. Who the _hell_ was calling him at four in the morning? 

He grabbed his phone from the nightstand and checked the caller I.D. _Mammon_ , it read. 

Despite how sleepy he felt, Solomon felt the corners of his mouth rise into a smirk. _This should be interesting._

”Hello?” 

”SOLOMON!” Mammon screamed into his ear. Solomon immediately pulled away from his D.D.D. and winced. Why did the demon feel the need to scream so loudly this early? 

“I demand that ya meet me tomorrow! I’ll pick ya up at 9 A.M sharp from your place allright?! Ya got that!?” 

Solomon didn’t know what to say to that. 

“Oi! I asked if ya got that!” 

“Sure, but I thought you had a crush on my fellow human exchange student. I must admit I never expected you to ask _me_ out on a date.” 

Sputtering noises erupted from Solomon’s phone. “W-what no that ain’t what I-“ 

Solomon’s smirk grew even more. “I guess humans are just your type huh?” 

”NO! Shut up, that ain’t what I meant and you know it!” 

“Sure, sure, Mammon. I’ll see you tommorow.” Solomon ended the call as one last “OI!” came out of the phone. 

_Never a dull moment with these brothers._ Solomon thought. 

Mammon had made good on his word and picked Solomon up from the House of Purgatory at 9A.M. the next morning. Mammon didn’t waste any time and had immediately dragged Solomon to a cozy café on the outskirts of town. 

Now the two found themselves sitting across from each other in silence. Mammon looked incredibly nervous and was looking everywhere but Solomon. Solomon simply sipped the coffee he had ordered and waited for Mammon to say something. 

After sitting there in silence for at least ten minutes, it seemed Mammon had finally worked up the nerve to speak. 

“Solomon,” Mammon took a deep breath. “I need yer help.” 

Solomon raised an eyebrow. “You do?” 

“Yeah.” With every passing moment Mammon only grew redder and redder. “Yer a… human.” 

“Very true.” 

“And uh, MC’s also human.” 

“Also true.” 

“S-so I assume ya know a thing or two about humans.” 

“Most likely.” 

Mammon swallowed nervously. If he got any redder Solomon thought he would have an aneurysm. “I need yer help to make MC fall in love with me.” 

“Ah. I see.” Solomon sipped his coffee. 

“N-not because _I’m_ in l-l-love with them or anything! I just, it would be easier to protect them if they were in love with me and always listened to me y’know!? I’m just tryin’ to do my job!” 

Solomon continued to sip his coffee. “Defensive much?” 

”No! And stop sippin’ that coffee goddamit!” 

“So you want my help to seduce MC then?” 

Mammon started choking on his coffee. Solomon, unimpressed, made no move to help Mammon as he coughed his lungs up. 

When Mammon started to finally breathe normally again, he spoke timidly, at odds with his usual bravado. “Not seducing…” Mammon looked into his cup. He stayed silent for a moment before clenching his jaw in determination and continuing quietly, “It won’t mean nothin’ if it’s just physical. I… I want them to love me.” 

In this moment, Solomon found himself reevaluating the demon in front of him. He had always seen the demon as a greedy fool, constantly causing chaos with his various money-making schemes. But now, he realized Mammon was a true romantic, who was truly in love with his fellow human. And he had swallowed his pride and pulled his head out of his ass just to ask Solomon for advice. 

“I see. I shall lend you a hand.” 

Mammon immediately took on the demeanor of an excited puppy. “Really? Ya mean that!?” 

“Yes. However, I expect… a favor in return.” 

“Yeah, okay, uh anything. Whatchu want?” 

“I don’t know yet. Just remember that you owe me. Now,” Solomon cracked his knuckles and pulled out of notepad and a pen. “Lets get started on a plan of attack shall we?” 

_Now this is going to be fun._ thought Solomon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah my ass is still on like chapter 17 or something on the main story (those damn events keep distracting me) so probably nothing about this story is going to be accurate to canon. Belphie hasn't even killed me yet.

“So, I think a good place to start would be with what MC likes. Got any ideas?”

A notepad lay in front of Solomon, and he held his pen right above it, ready to take notes.

“If I knew what MC liked, then I wouldn’t be needin’ help from a lowly human right now!” Mammon huffed.

Solomon decided to let the “lowly human” comment slide for now. “Mammon, I think you know more than you think. What does MC like to do? What are their favorite hobbies and places to go? I’m trying to get a grasp on what kind of date MC may enjoy.”

Mammon gaped at Solomon for a second before averting his eyes and laughing nervously. “Right, haha. A d-date. I can totally do that.”

Solomon resisted the urge to roll his eyes. _How was this man the second-most powerful of the brothers? _He thought to himself._ Truly mystifying. _

“Yes, a date. Has MC ever given any ideas to you as to what they may enjoy on an outing?” 

Mammon shifted in his seat. “Well I mean… they seem to enjoy amusement parks. I remember they looked like they were having the time of their life while we were riding roller coasters.”

Solomon scribbled that down. “Mmhm. Go on.”

“And they love those little restaurants with really good food that are kinda out of the way. Y’know, the hidden gem type place? Yeah, they really love finding those kinds of places.”

For the next ten minutes, Mammon rattled off a good number of types of places MC would enjoy while Solomon quickly jotted them down.

“This is a good list of date ideas,” Solomon said, glancing at his notepad. “You really do know MC more than you think.”

“W-well obviously! Of course the GREAT MAMMON would know everything about MC!” said Mammon, his chest puffing out with pride. “I barely even needed yer help in the first place.”

Solomon found himself getting annoyed at the self-satisfied laugh Mammon was currently treating him to. _And who was the one that dragged me to this café to beg for my help?_

__"And yet the Great Mammon, despite knowing everything about MC, still needs the help of a lowly human such as myself to even ask them out.” Solomon replied, sipping his coffee. _Payback for that lowly human comment. _____

_____ _

“Now listen here human! Don’t you get cheeky with me! I got thousands of years on you and don’t you forget that!”

____

“Thousands of years and yet you can’t even seduce one human.”

____

“I TOLD YA, I DON’T WANNA SEDUCE THEM!” Mammon screeched.

____

“Oooo! Who are we seducing?” interrupted a familiar voice.

____

Solomon and Mammon both looked up in surprise to see Asmodeus making his way towards them, his own cup of coffee in hand.

____

All the blush and color immediately left Mammon’s face as Asmo pulled up a chair between the two. _Like a chameleon, _thought Solomon.__

______ _ _

“Uh, no one!” Mammon squeaked.

______ _ _

Asmo leaned forward, his eyes teasing. “Really now?” he purred.

______ _ _

“YUP, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. NO ONE’S DOIN’ ANY KIND OF SEDUCING ‘ROUND THESE PARTS. NOPE. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. YOU MUST’VE MISHEARD ME LIL’ BRO.” Mammon ended that suspiciously loud and hurried denial with an even louder and more hurried forced laughter.

______ _ _

_What a fucking idiot, _thought Solomon. It was a mystery to him how someone could live for so long and still be unable to keep his cool.__

________ _ _ _ _

Asmo did not look convinced in the slightest. “Hmm… I don’t think I believe you.”

________ _ _ _ _

“WELL I’M TELLIN’ THE TRUTH.”

________ _ _ _ _

“No you’re not Mammon, spill it. Who are you planning on seducing? Are you trying to find a new sugar daddy?”

________ _ _ _ _

“Asmo that was ONE TIME. Stop bringin’ that up.”

________ _ _ _ _

“Well I’d love to help you Mammon hun. Just tell me who it is~”

________ _ _ _ _

“There ain’t no one Asmo! You misheard! Now stop bein’ a nuisance and get outta here!”

________ _ _ _ _

It was almost as if the two had forgotten Solomon was there, which to be fair, they probably had. Not that Solomon really cared, he always found the bickering between the brothers to be highly amusing.

________ _ _ _ _

The two kept going back and forth after that, Asmo pressing and Mammon deflecting very unconvincingly. They kept at it until the waiter brought the rest of their food, and the two brothers had the sense to shut the hell up, lest they let some more of their family drama end up on the front page of the RAD newspaper.

________ _ _ _ _

The three sat in silence after the waiter served their food. Asmo was almost buzzing with questions, while Mammon was shifting uncomfortably under his gaze. Solomon nonchalantly continued to eat his waffles.

________ _ _ _ _

Now in matters of love, Asmodeus could very well be considered one’s greatest ally. Asmo would probably be a better relationship coach than Solomon ever could, and the sorcerer had half a mind to recruit him to their cause, if only for the amusement of watching Asmo try to coach greedy moneybags himself in matters of the heart. However, Solomon didn’t know where Asmo stood regarding MC. Was he a romantic rival? If so, it would be best if Asmo didn’t know about their plans at all, in case he was tempted to sabotage their date ideas. There was also his tendency to gossip. If Asmo was enlightened to Mammon’s newfound determination to woo MC, the whole Devildom may know in the next seven hours, which could also prove detrimental to their plans.  
Solomon couldn’t tell if Mammon was afraid of any of those points, or if he was simply too embarrassed to admit it to Asmo.

________ _ _ _ _

Solomon took a bite of waffle #3. _Well it's Mammon’s choice. I’m just here for the ride. ___

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Asmo, probably realizing that Mammon was far too stubborn to admit anything, seemed to conveniently remember Solomon’s presence and decided to start bugging him instead.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Solomon~ Love. _Darling. _You know something don’t you?”__

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Solomon kept his usual poker face as he finished his third waffle. “Who knows?”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Asmodeus giggled. “Oh, Solomon you shady bastard~ C’mon and tell me.”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mammon abruptly shot out of his chair. “Oh man Solomon, look at the time! We need to hurry and get to that, uh, thing we were talking about!”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Solomon stood and dusted the waffle crumbs off his cloak. “Yes, of course.”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Hey, we’re not done here!” whined Asmo.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ignoring Asmo’s objections, Mammon grabbed Solomon by the wrist and practically dragged him out of the café (after insisting that Solomon pay of course).

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The two walked in silence until they were a good distance away from the café, and Mammon had made sure Asmo wasn’t following them.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I appreciate that,” Mammon started, his voice soft and lacking in its usual bravado. “You not saying anything to Asmo, I mean.”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Solomon was taken aback. He had never heard Mammon thank anyone before. “Yes… of course. It's not my place to tell him.”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Bastard’s too nosy for his own good. And I’m worried he’s also tryin’ to get with MC.”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Yes, I was a little worried about that as well.”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Yeah, that lustful bastard would do anything to get his paws on MC. He doesn’t deserve them.”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“And you do?”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Solomon expected the demon to shout at him with his usual bravado, insisting something along the lines of being MC’s “First Man.” But to his surprise, Mammon said nothing and looked unsure of himself.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“No,” Mammon admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “MC deserves someone that can give them the world, not some greedy idiot like me.”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

But then his demeanor changed to something more determined, and Solomon saw a fire in his eyes he had never seen before.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“But I’ll be damned if I give MC up without a fight.”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello folks, it's really been a hot minute huh? I think I replied to a comment last chapter that the next chapter would be up in a week, and uh, it's kinda been a lot longer than that. I just started my first semester of college and that's already stressful in itself, but add Miss Rona on top of that and it was a whole shitshow. Super stressed out and I couldn't write at all. But now I'm on break, so hopefully I'll be able to update more frequently.   
> And I really hope this is all formatted correctly. I kinda forgot how to do this whole html thing. Oh well, if it's totally fucked, I'll fix it in due time.


	4. Chapter 4

“Guys I swear, Mammon’s been acting weird lately.” 

Asmo had strutted into the living room dramatically as usual, eager to gossip and spill tea about their beloved Big Brother Mammon with his brothers (minus Lucifer) and got only a very disinterested “Hmm, is he now?” from Satan who didn’t even bother looking up from his book. Levi was engrossed in another game, Belphie was sleeping, and Beel was eating. 

Typical. Its like these boys _choose_ to be one dimensional characters with exactly one character trait sometimes. 

_“Sataaaaaaan”_ Asmo whined. 

Satan sighed and put his book down. “How do you think he’s acting weird? He just seems like his normal dumbass self to me.” 

“I’m _serious_ this time. Something’s up. I can feel it.” 

“Mmie mmurn mreamm emmi aemg.” Piped up Beel with an entire chicken (feathers and all) in his mouth. 

“What was that Beel?” 

“He said ‘I don’t really feel anything.’” Mumbled Belphie from the couch. 

“But haven’t you guys seen the weird things he’s been doing recently? Taking baking lessons from Luke? Cleaning his room? When’s the last time any of us could see the floor of his room?” 

“Now that you mention it, I did think that was odd.” Said Satan. 

“He also hasn’t stolen anything from me or begged me for money in like a week!” Levi piped up. It seems the conversation had actually interested Levi enough for him to pause his game. 

_A rare moment indeed,_ thought Asmo. 

“He’s been on pretty good behavior for a while now.” Said Beel, this time understandable because he was only shoving a burger rather than a whole chicken down his throat. “Lucifer hasn’t had any reason to string him up.” 

Belphie, with frightening speed that no one had seen from him in a long, long time, shot straight up from his lying position on the couch to look at his other brothers in the face. His eyes were wide saucers. 

“I just remembered, several days ago I was passing by Mammon’s and his door was open. I looked inside _to see him actually saving money_.” 

Gasps of horror sounded from the brothers. 

_“The_ Mammon!? Greedy-Scummy-no-good Mammoney himself? No fucking way.” Argued Satan in disbelief. 

“I shit you not, I saw Mammon fill an entire piggy bank with Grimm. And then he put that piggy bank next to like, six other piggy banks. And all of them were full of Grimm!” 

“I repeat, no fucking way. You must have been dreaming.” 

“I swear to you Satan, I saw it with my own two eyes.” 

“SEE, SEE I TOLD YOU!” Asmo screamed in triumph. “I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP!” 

Beel turned to his twin. “Why didn’t you tell us earlier about something so horrifying?” 

Belphie shivered, and his eyes got a far away look to them. “I probably subconsciously blocked out that memory. It must have been too horrifying for my brain to comprehend.” 

“I understand. I probably would have gone comatose as well.” 

The brothers all went silent, each thinking deeply about this new behavior in their brother. 

“Do you think maybe he’s caught the bubonic plague again?” asked Levi quietly. 

Asmo made a face. “Oh, I hope not. The last thing I need is my beautiful body being marred by rat blisters.” 

Satan rolled his eyes. “The bubonic plague is hardly a threat anymore in the modern era. I know Mammon was always prone to catch it every century or so, but I don’t even know where he’d get it from now days.” 

“What about… gonorrhea?” 

“Why are you so obsessed with Mammon getting diseases Levi?” 

“Oh honey, gonorrhea is not fun. Been there, done that.” 

“Who’s got gonorrhea?” said a new voice. 

Everyone whipped around to see MC standing in the doorway, looking confused. 

“Good timing MC~” Asmo cooed, fluttering over to MC. “Have you noticed how weird Mammon’s been lately?” 

“Weird? Well, I suppose he’s gotten strangely… generous with his money recently. Normally he’d make me pay for anything we eat together, but lately he’s been insisting _he_ pays for everything. Even my food!” 

The brothers gasped. 

“Where’s he even getting that money from? Normally he doesn’t even have like, two Grimm on him ROFL.” said Levi 

“And now that I think about it, Mammon’s been really busy lately. I don’t see him as much as I used to. We used to hang out all the time, but now I hardly see him.” They sounded sad. 

MC’s eyes widened, their tone suddenly distressed. “Do you actually think he could be sick!? Is he the one suffering from gonorrhea!?” 

“Probably not MC. Ignore these idiots.” reassured Satan, getting up to lovingly ruffle MC’s hair, “This is Mammon we’re talking about. He’s probably just busy being an idiot somewhere.” 

“Okay. If you say so.” MC gave Satan a soft smile as his hands carded through their hair, and Asmo could practically hear the BA-THUMP of Satan’s heart all the way from his seat. 

“Oi! What do ya think you’re doing to MC, Anger-Issues!” 

Ah. Speak of the devil. 

Satan cleared his throat and quickly stepped away from MC, his cheeks red. 

Mammon wasted no time in getting between them and grabbed MC by the shoulders. “MC, stop letting these guys feel you up all the time! Satan may seem like a nerd, but ya can’t trust him anymore than Asmo!” 

“You’re insulting me for being a nerd? There’s nothing wrong with having more than two braincells Mammon.” 

“Whatever.” 

MC looked up at Mammon, who still had them by the shoulders. “What’s wrong with Satan touching me Mammon?” 

Mammon looked absolutely defeated by the adorable way MC was looking up at him. “Y-you just can’t let him alright?” He was blushing hard now. 

“Heh, Mammon’s jealous again.” Snickered Belphie. 

“Can it! I am not!” Mammon shrieked back, his blush darkening tenfold. 

“Awww Mammon, no need to get jealous. You can ruffle my hair if you want to too.” MC cooed, their hand coming up to Mammon’s cheek. 

“I’m not jealous!” 

“MC let me ruffle your hair too!” squealed Asmo as he bumped Mammon into the couch, who fell on top of an irritated Belphie with an _oof_. 

The next several minutes consisted of the brothers crowding around MC elbowing each other for their turn to ruffle MC’s hair. Well, except Satan, who remained seated on his chair reading his book. But from the way Asmo saw his fingers twitch occasionally knew that he too wanted to ruffle MC’s hair again. 

The hair-ruffling wars only came to an end when Mammon declared “That’s enough!” and picked up MC and hightailed it back upstairs with them. 

“Not fair!” grumbled Levi. “I barely got to ruffle their hair.” 

“MC’s hair is so soft.” Said Beel. 

Asmo agreed. 

Satan closed his book and stood up. “Well, I don’t think he’s sick. He seemed pretty normal just now. Maybe he’s shaping up for the better? If that’s even possible.” 

Murmuring their agreements, the brothers left the room one by one to go do their own thing until Asmo was the only one left in the room. 

Asmo’s brows furrowed as he stared at the wall. He had always been the most perceptive out of the brothers when it came to emotions and behavior and _something_ was definitely up with Mammon. 

Mammon was Mammon. And it was highly unlikely that Mammon would start changing his habits for seemingly no reason at all. 

_When did I first notice he was acting strange?_

And then it hit him. Mammon first started changing up his usual habits shortly after Asmo saw him and Solomon eating together at that café. At the time he had thought it was slightly odd that those two were eating together, but hadn’t given it much thought, but now… 

Asmo got up and returned to his room to change into something more fashionable for a trip out of the house. It was time to pay a visit to his favorite sorcerer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got Belphie to annihilate my throat in the game. I'm a little annoyed at how everyone in the game just kind of glosses over that. Doesn't MC dying in Mammon's arms seem at least like a little bit traumatizing to the rest of them? I really wanted to see the brothers at least get pissed at Belphie for doing us like that. Anyway, I'm going to write a fic related to that concept at some point, so watch out for that.
> 
> Y'know, I really enjoy reading fics that are just like, pure pining and fluff and romance and stuff, but it seems I am incapable of writing things like that, because the longer I write this fic, the more it grows in the chaotic, c o m e d y (attempted) direction. This was supposed to be a really mushy and self-indulgent fic, but its becoming more and more not that.  
> Whoopsie.


End file.
